Ash's Unova Adventures: Satire
by thorney33
Summary: Ash Ketchum arrives in the Unova region with hopes and dreams of becoming a Pokemon master. But his journey will be littered with problems; a rival who is hooked on illicit substances, a friend who allows her Pokemon to braid ALL of her hair, a green haired bandit who enjoys eating Pokemon, and a pair of crooks egged on by a talking pussy cat.
1. Part One: Ketchum on my Face!

**PART ONE: KET-CHUM IN MY FACE!**

_*The series begins with a large plane touching down on a glistening ocean next to a large town. Out of the plane walks our hero ASH KETCHUM, trademark hat pulled over his head. On his shoulder sits his loyal Pikachu, subtly brushing off a smidgen of poke-poo that has fallen on its trainer's shirt. Behind the two walks out Ash's mother DELIA, and a few seconds later renowned Pokemon professor OAK, zipping his fly up and grinning from ear to ear.*_

ASH: Wow, the Unova region! What do you think of that, Pikachu?

PIKACHU: Pika, Pika!

ASH (sullen): That's what you always say.

OAK: Yes…a whole new land full of exciting Pokémon…none of which I told you about all those years ago when you were starting on your journey! Oh, me.

DELIA (giggling): Oh, Professor…you do like teasing the Ketchum's, don't you?

OAK: I like doing a whole lot more than that, Delia.

DELIA (whispering): Call me Stifler's mum.

_*Ash races ahead of the two, eager to continue on his way.*_

ASH: Mum, are you coming?

DELIA: Depends on the Professor.

OAK: Run along, Ash! I want to show your Mother around before she flies home.

ASH: Thanks, Professor Oak! Bye, Mum!

_*Ash hugs his mother, accidently brushing a white substance off his hand as it brushes her dress.*_

ASH (cont'd): Wow, there must be bug Pokemon here! Something got you with a string-shot!

DELIA: Oh…yes, of course. Biggest damn Weedle I'd ever seen.

_*Ash detaches himself from his Mother and runs away.*_

ASH: Bye!

OAK: Farewell! Come back to Pallet town and say hi to your old Pokemon every once in a while!

ASH (to Pikachu): I have other Pokemon?

_*Ash runs around the corner to find himself in front of a large building, where a young trainer is coming out with a brand new Pokeball.*_

ASH: Wow, you just got your first Pokemon! How does it feel?

_*The boy looks at Ash with wide eyes and a slight drool coming from his mouth.*_

BOY: Ugh…centipedes in my hair…fingers…my bum…Jennifer Aniston…peanut butter sandwich!

_*The boy rushes past, fiddling with the ball in his hand. Ash looks after him in confusion.*_

ASH: That's weird, isn't it, Pikachu?

PIKACHU (concerned): Pika…

ASH: You know I can't understand you, right?

WOMAN: Oh, you must be Ash!

_*Ash turns around to find a full chested woman looking at him with a grin on her face. She is PROFESSOR JUNIPER, a highly respected Unova region professor in spite of her obvious gender.*_

ASH: Yeah…how can you tell?

JUNIPER: Professor Oak told me you were coming…said you had your Mother's nipples.

_*Ash takes out a vial which contains a pair of floating nipples.*_

ASH: I told her not to include Kingler in her wrestling matches with Professor Oak.

_*Ash puts the vial away as Juniper laughs heartily. Ash points towards the boy, who is sitting on the ground and swatting non-existant Wubats.*_

ASH: What's his problem?

JUNIPER: Oh, that's just Trip.

ASH: Why do they call him Trip?

_*In the clearing, Trip takes out an odd pill and thrusts it into his mouth.*_

TRIP: Trip uses Acid! It is super effective!

_*Trip falls to the ground and lays motionless.*_

ASH: Will he be OK?

JUNIPER: Nothing a quick rest in a Pokemon (rehabilitation) Centre can't fix.

ASH: That's great! Isn't it, Pikachu?

PIKACHU: Pika!

ASH: You're the worst.

JUNIPER: I didn't realise you were so young, Ash.

ASH: Age isn't a barrier to getting what you want! I'm going to be the Pokemon Master no matter what!

JUNIPER (impressed): That's good to hear…I think age should be no barrier as well.

_*Juniper walks closer to Ash, smiling widely.*_

JUNIPER (cont'd): Would you like to come into my centre? I think you'll find it…very revealing.

_*Juniper bends down and gives Ash a full view of her impressive cleavage. Pikachu's growing erection nudges against his ear.*_

PIKACHU: Mmm…Pika, Pika.

ASH (nervous): Uh…my mum always warned me against going into buildings with strangers I didn't know.

JUNIPER: I have rare candies…

_*Juniper pulls a collection of candies out from her pocket and offers one to Ash.*_

ASH: Wow, rare candies!

_*Ash pops one into his mouth, and his world begins to shake.*_

ASH (cont'd): What the hell is going on?

_FLASH ON SCREEN – ASH GROWS TO AGE 13!_

_*Out of nowhere, Ash shoots up 1 inch in height. His muscles expand slightly and small hairs begin to shoot out of his chin. The slight bulge in his pants becomes a little bigger. He smiles, and when he speaks, his voice is somewhat deeper than before.*_

ASH (cont'd): Finally…after 14 seasons…uh, years! My big boy hairs!

JUNIPER: Now…all you have to do is take 5 more of those, and we'll be good to go.

ASH: 5 more?

JUNIPER: And then you'll be a man, Ash.

_*Juniper slinks back into the centre, winking and indicating for Ash to follow the elaborate trail of rare candies she has left upon the path. Suddenly, a distinctive voice over blares as the episode nears its end.*_

VOICEOVER: What will Ash choose…innocence or a chance to bed the alluring Professor Juniper? Why is she so keen on getting into Ash's Pokeballs? Will Professor Oak become Ash's Daddy? And have I been watching Ash, a pre-pubescent teen, from the bushes for his whole journey? All of this and more will be revealed in the next episode!

_NEXT EPISODE: Meet Iris…do the curtains match the drapes?_


	2. Part Two: An Axew in the Bush!

**PART TWO: AN AXEW IN THE BUSH**

_*Outside a Pokemon lab, Ash Ketchum looks in as the alluring Professor Juniper lays a trail of rare candies and winks at him suggestively.*_

VOICEOVER: We rejoin our hero Ash Ketchum, new to the mysterious Unova region, as he makes his first big decision on this new journey. To accept Professor Juniper's invitation into her lab or to turn his back on what could be the opportunity of a life time.

JUNIPER (calling out): Oh, Ash…coming in?

ASH: Uh…give me a second, Professor!

_*Ash turns to his trusty Pikachu for advice.*_

ASH (cont'd): What do you think, Pikachu?

PIKACHU: Pika!

ASH: Ugh…homo says Pika.

PIKACHU: Pika?

ASH: Ha! Gay!

_*Ash looks at the trail of rare candies nervously and walks towards them.*_

ASH (cont'd): Still…I did come to the Unova region for new experiences. I mean, let's be honest, for a Water type trainer, Misty didn't gush like a waterfall all that much. And May was never quite the same after I caught Brock assaulting her in her sleep that time…

PIKACHU: Pika, Pika!

_*Ash looks at Pikachu with determination.*_

ASH: Aw, the hell with it! Let's get her, buddy…as a team!

_*The two run into the doorway and out of sight. There is a rustling in the bushes, and three new characters pop up. We recognise the first two as JESSIE and JAMES, the Team Rocket duo who has plagued Ash all these years. The third is MEOWTH, a talking pussy…enough said.*_

JESSIE: I wonder what the twerp is up to this time.

MEOWTH: Do you want me to find out? All I have to do is put on a hat and nobody seems to notice that I'm a talking cat!

JAMES: Really? It's that simple?

MEOWTH: Hey, if it's good enough for Superman, it's good enough for old Meowth!

JESSIE: We shouldn't be wasting time here. The boss has given us our new mission.

JAMES: I can't believe he's kept us on for all these years…what a sport.

MEOWTH: And to entrust us with taking over the entire Unova region!

JAMES: I can't help but feel catching a singular Pikachu is more important, though…

JESSIE: Snap out of it, James!

_*Jessie slaps James, who seems turned on by the contact.*_

JAMES: Oh, I do like when you're rough with me!

JESSIE (sighing): For the last time…you and me…we're never going to happen.

JAMES: Why not! That is totally unfair!

JESSIE (shrugging): I always assumed we were brother and sister…

MEOWTH: Sorry, James…from here on in, I'm the only pussy you'll be getting!

_*Meowth laughs as Jessie looks at the two in disgust.*_

MEOWTH (cont'd): What? We have needs, you know!

_*The trio walk away as James coughs a fur ball out of his anus. Ash suddenly stumbles out of the Centre, bright red, with a dissatisfied Juniper and Pikachu on his tail.*_

ASH: I'm sorry…I swear, that's never happened before.

JUNIPER: Its fine, Ash…you are an underage boy, after all. Not every boy your age has had the chance to enter my Pokedex, you know!

ASH: I…uh…guess I'll see you around…

_*Ash walks away, head bowed in defeat. Is he ever going to get laid?*_

JUNIPER: Wait! Before you go…

_*Juniper runs up to Ash and hands him three Pokeballs.*_

ASH: Hey…what is this?

JUNIPER: Consider these your consolation prize.

ASH: Three new Pokemon!

JUNIPER: They are the three starting Pokemon for this region…Snivy, Tepig, and Oshawott.

ASH: For me? Wow!

JUNIPER: From what I can gather, you seem to get the starter Pokemon on your journeys anyway…even though they can't be caught in the wild.

ASH: Uh, my Pikachu is outside of its Pokeball…I'm clearly playing Yellow.

JUNIPER: Oh…I see. Well played.

_*Ash throws the ball in the air and strikes a cool pose.*_

ASH: All right! I just caught a Snivy, a Tepig, and a Oshawott!

JUNIPER: _An _Oshawott.

ASH: Sorry…an Oshawott!

JUNIPER: And you didn't really catch them, did you…I just handed them to you then…

ASH: Can you please stop ruining my moment?

JUNIPER: And do you always pull that pose after catching a Pokemon? Do you know how random that looks?

ASH (sad): I do it after winning Gym battles as well.

JUNIPER: Ugh…now I see why you couldn't perform.

_*Juniper walks back inside and closes the centre door. Ash looks at Pikachu with a sad face.*_

ASH: Gee, Pikachu…I hope I learn how to get it up soon. I wonder if Professor Oak…

PIKACHU (concerned): Pika…

IRIS: You can't get it up! Lol! What a kid!

_*Before Ash can react, a girl with long purple hair and deep brown skin jumps down at Ash, who thrusts his bag behind his back in an instant. Her name is IRIS.*_

ASH: Aah! Thief!

IRIS: Thief? I'm nothing of the sort!

ASH: Then who are you?

IRIS: I'm Iris…and I want to be a Dragon master!

ASH: Wow, a Dragon master? What does that mean?

IRIS: You don't know what a Dragon master is? Ugh…such a kid. It means I'm going to raise strong Dragon types and become a Pokemon master!

ASH: So where are your Dragon Pokemon?

_*Suddenly, a shrill cry rings out from Iris's panties.*_

IRIS'S VAGINA: Axew!

ASH: Oh, sheeeet! It's Meowth!

IRIS (confused): What do you mean?

ASH: Well, Meowth is the only talking pussy I've ever met.

IRIS (laughing): Oh, that's not my va-jay-jay. It's my Axew!

ASH: A what?

IRIS: Come on out, Axew! He likes hiding in my hair, see…even though it's physically impossible, him being a solid physical being, and all.

ASH: But your hair is…oh.

_*Iris's panties wobble and a little head pops out of the small tuft of purple hair that pokes out the top. It is AXEW, a small green dragon Pokemon.*_

AXEW: Axew, Axew!

ASH: Wow, an Axew!

_*Ash takes out his Pokedex and points it at Iris's vagina.*_

POKEDEX: Axew, the Tusk Pokemon. It's like a dragon, except smaller, and without wings. So…basically…a lizard? But it has tusks! That can…well…they aren't used in any of the moves, so…yeah…there you go!

ASH: That looks amazing…can I pat it?

IRIS: Sure! Axew loves being touched!

ASH (annoyed): Oh yeah…I meant Axew, totally.

_*Axew jumps out of Iris's pants and stands in front of Ash, exclaiming happily as he brushes her juices off it's tusked head.*_

AXEW: Axew, Axew!

ASH: He's so cute! But what was he doing near your cavern of doom?

IRIS: Ugh, don't you know? Such a kid…

ASH: What don't I know?

IRIS: Everybody knows Axew loves damp and humid environments…but this place is too sunny! So I decided to keep him near the dampest place I knew…my filthy snatch!

ASH: Hey, that's awesome! I can tell Axew really likes it as well!

AXEW: Axew!

IRIS: Hey!

_*Iris looks down to see Pikachu striving to jump into her pants as well.*_

ASH (laughing): Looks like Pikachu wants a shot as well!

PIKACHU (nodding): Pika!

IRIS: Sure! There is plenty of room in there for everyone!

ASH: Really!

IRIS: For my Pokemon, of course!

ASH: Oh…right.

_*Iris opens her panties and Pikachu jumps in, squelching around the tufts of purple hair into the wide open snatch.*_

ASH (cont'd): How is it down there, Pikachu?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

IRIS (whispering): Does Pikachu know lick?

ASH (confused): Why would Pikachu know lick?

IRIS: Gah…never mind.

_*The two continue to talk as the camera pans up. Ash has made a new friend!*_

VOICE-OVER: So, Ash may have failed in his bid to bed…see what I did there…Professor Juniper, but the filthy snatch of Iris may be exactly what he needs to become a man! Will Pikachu ever escape from the damp cavern? What will Trip trip balls on next? What is the big plan that Team Rocket are hatching? All these questions and more will be answered in the next episode!

_NEXT EPISODE: The journey begins…but who is roasting and eating all of the Pidove?_


	3. Part Three: On a Bad Trip!

**PART THREE: ON A BAD TRIP!**

_*Ash and Iris walk along the path out of town towards a large forest together. Iris is constantly toying with her panties as Ash folds his arm in clear annoyance. Pikachu is nowhere to be seen.*_

IRIS (blushing): I swear this has never happened before…normally Axew just slides out like my morning deuce!

ASH (annoyed): I want my Pikachu! And you are coming with me until I get him!

IRIS: Fine…

_*Iris again tugs on her panties. Clearly, Pikachu can not get out of her snatch. Axew walks behind her in annoyance at losing his moist retreat.*_

AXEW (angry): Axew…

IRIS: Geez…he's really jammed tight in there…it's a he, right?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika, Pika…

ASH: Of course it's a he!

IRIS: How can you be sure? Have you ever seen a Pika-penis?

ASH (defensively): Have you?

IRIS: Um, I'm a Dragon trainer. I only _Google_ the anatomy of Dragon types!

_*Ash lowers his head, sad at having his friend stuck in where he most wants to be; Iris's vagina.*_

ASH: Please, Iris…I don't know what I'd do without Pikachu…

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika…

IRIS: Walk around without having a Pokemon sitting on your shoulder all day?

ASH: Pikachu is more than a pirate's bird to me…he's my best friend.

IRIS (hesitating): Well…I guess we could wait until…

ASH: Until wait?

IRIS: …you know…until I use _Hydro Pump_.

ASH: What do you mean?

IRIS: The monthly _Muddy Water_…Iris used _Splash_, but it didn't do nothing…it left a stain on the sheets instead…

ASH (blushing): You mean…

IRIS: You're such a kid! Yes, my period.

ASH: Are you even old enough to have those?

IRIS: I don't know…our ages have always seemed ambiguous on this show.

ASH: Show?

IRIS: Well, duh! You aren't aware of the cameras following you everywhere you go? Such a kid!

_*The two suddenly stop in their tracks as a noise in a clearing to their right rings out through the trees. They slowly approach it together and peer through the bushes to see Trip sitting on the ground madly clawing at his arms, drawing blood as tears run down his face.*_

TRIP (distressed): Trip used_ Scratch_…ahh! Trip used_ Scratch_! Ahh! It's super effective!

_*Ash steps into the clearing, waving to the recovering drug addict.*_

ASH: Hey, Trip!

TRIP (screaming): Aah! Leave me alone!

ASH: Hey…calm down! What's the matter?

TRIP: It's these bugs, man…crawling under my skin…Swaddle is tearing me to pieces, bro!

ASH: There are no bugs anywhere…

TRIP (yelling): That's exactly what they told me you'd say!

IRIS: Is he OK?

_*Ash steps back, concerned.*_

ASH: He will be…it's something he needs to _battle _through himself…

_*From behind Ash, Trip jumps to his feet with a smile. He looks oddly focused.*_

TRIP: A battle? I accept!

IRIS: Hmm…that seemed an oddly convenient segway.

ASH (confused): But I didn't even…

TRIP: What are you, McFly…Chicken?

IRIS: McFly?

ASH (whispering): Just go with it, Iris…Trip, I accept your acceptation of my challenge!

TRIP: And I accept that acceptation of my acceptance!

_*Ash and Trip eye each other off, slightly awkwardly.*_

TRIP (cont'd): Uh…so…cool.

ASH: I'll get us started…Tepig, I choose you!

_*Ash throws his Pokeball and out comes TEPIG, a fire type that is in the shape of a pig.*_

TEPIG: Su-wee!

TRIP: Snivy, come on out!

_*Trip throws his Pokeball and SNIVY pops out, a small grass type Pokemon.*_

ASH: Wow, a Snivy!

IRIS: You have one too, you know.

ASH (annoyed): I said…wow, a Snivy!

_*Ash pulls out his Pokedex.*_

TRIP: Snivy, use…

ASH (yelling): Wait!

TRIP: Huh? What are you talking about, man?

ASH: Ugh…do you mind asking your Pokemon to stay still for a second?

TRIP: Why?

ASH: I need to get information about it on my Pokedex.

TRIP: That seems like I'm giving an unnecessary advantage to you.

ASH: Shh! You're not meant to speak while I'm looking at my Pokedex!

TRIP: So you want me to stand still and not speak whilst asking my Snivy to do the same?

ASH: Exactly.

TRIP: But I…

ASH: Shut the fuck up!

_*Ash hits a button on his Pokedex.*_

POKEDEX: Snivy, the Grass Snake Pokemon. It is green, so obviously it is a grass type. While it has vines, it fails to capture the same level of awesomeness that Bulbasaur had, though to be fair, we are running out of ideas for Pokemon designs.

ASH: That sounds awesome…huh?

_*Ash looks up from his Pokedex to see Trip's Snivy attacking Tepig with large Vine Whips.*_

TEPIG (pained): Snort! Pig!

ASH: Oh, you son of a bitch! Tepig, fight back with _Ember_!

TRIP: Snivy, dodge and use _Attract_!

_*Tepig uses it's snout to shoot flames at Snivy, which dodges easily. After all, Tepig is a pig while Snivy is a kick ass GRASS SNAKE Pokemon. Snivy's eyes turn into cartoon hearts and it shoots cute little hearts at Tepig. However, the hearts miss and hit Ash instead, who falls with a yell.*_

ASH: Aah!

IRIS: Ash!

_*Iris runs to Ash, squelching all the way. She bends over him in concern.*_

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika…

IRIS: Are you OK?

ASH: I'm fine…in fact, I feel great!

_*Ash stands up, and Iris screams in horror.*_

IRIS: Ash, your Metapod used _Harden_!

_*Ash looks down to see that he has a massive erection trying to poke it's way out of his shorts. He looks over at Snivy and smiles…he is in total love, total lust. He breaks into a run and manages to tackle Snivy to the ground, who cries in surprise.*_

SNIVY: Snivy!

ASH: I've got you, baby…

_*Ash pulls down his pants and begins to make love to the poor Snivy, which is unable to attack as Trip refuses to give erections. Sorry, directions. It turns it's head to see that Trip has fallen to the ground and is snorting a white line off the dust.*_

TRIP: I knew I'd find you…I knew it! I knew it!

_*Trip laughs madly as Ash continues to madly hump the defenceless Pokemon. Iris runs over to try to prise him off.*_

IRIS: Ash, please! That Snivy is underage…I mean, its Pokemon…not _Pope_-emon!

ASH: I love it! Oh, yeah! Take it, Snivy!

_*Ash throws Iris to the side and continues humping the crying Snivy. Suddenly, a roar of a motorbike can be heard coming through the bushes. Ash looks up in shock as a woman; OFFICER JENNY, jumps off the bike and tears him off Snivy, who runs to the barely conscious Trip in tears.*_

OFFICER JENNY: You're coming with me, you sick bastard.

_*Ash protests as Jenny thrusts him in handcuffs and begins to lead him to the bike.*_

ASH: You don't understand!

OFFICER JENNY: No, you don't understand! No means no, even from a starter Pokemon!

ASH: Say, have we met before?

OFFICER JENNY (eyes narrowed): You saying all white bitches look alike?

ASH: Uh…Iris, wait for me!

IRIS: What do you mean?

ASH (screaming): Wait for me!

_*Iris looks away and pats Axew as Ash is sat on the back of the bike.*_

VOICE-OVER: Will Ash's journey be over before it begins? Is statutory rape of a starter Pokemon considered a felony worthy of the death penalty in the Unova region? Will Pikachu be able to breathe in Iris's snatch? Did I lie about what would be in this episode because I am writing it as I go along with no long term plot structure? Tune in next episode to find out!

_NEXT EPISODE: Ash versus a charges of statutory rape and bestiality!_


	4. Part Four: Fried Pidove, Mother Fer!

**PART FOUR: FRIED PIDOVE, MOTHER F***ER!**

_*Ash yelps in fear as the burly Officer Jenny thrusts him through the door of the jail and into a holding cell, slamming the door as hard as Oak slammed Ash's mother on the plane ride over. Iris rushes in afterwards, holding Axew in her hands, who still looks upset at losing Iris's snatch to Pikachu, who has still yet to re-emerge.*_

AXEW: Axew…

ASH (calling out): Please…I swear! I didn't mean to…

JENNY: I don't care what you have to say! I saw what I saw…you were planning on shooting your _Bullet Seed _into that poor Snivy!

ASH: You've got it all wrong…tell her, Pikachu!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika…Pika!

JENNY: Huh?

_*Jenny looks around, confused at where the voice came from.*_

JENNY (cont'd): Where the hell is that voice coming from?

IRIS: Oh, Pikachu is stuck up my snatch at the moment.

JENNY: I'm sorry…

IRIS: Up my wizard's sleeve…my _Rock Cave_…my day care centre for Axew!

AXEW: Axew!

JENNY (to Ash): You put your Pikachu inside this young girl's vagina? You…sick bastard!

ASH: No, it was an accident, I swear!

JENNY: Tell it to the courts, you sick mother…

JOY: Jenny…oh, Jenny!

_*Jenny's eyes dart up as a woman, NURSE JOY, runs into the police station with a worried look on her face and a steaming bowl in her arms. The station is suddenly filled with the lovely aroma of cooked chicken.*_

ASH: Wow…that smells amazing!

PIKACHU (echoing): Mmm…Pika!

IRIS: Is that chicken? Mmm…I love hot cock!

_*Iris runs over to Joy and tears the chicken out of her hand, and begins to tear into it with glee.*_

IRIS (cont'd): Oh my God, it's good…get inside me now!

JOY (shocked): No! Stop that…it isn't chicken, it's Pidove!

ASH: Wow, a Pidove!

_*Ash points his Pokedex at the steaming and cooked bird through the bars and hits the button. The Pokedex responds not in it's usual voice, but in that of a hearty African American, much like a Samuel L. Jackson type.*_

POKEDEX: That's some fried Pidove, mother fucker! Damn, that is some good shit! Finger fucking good!

IRIS (shocked): It's Pidove? Gross!

_*Iris spits out the Pidove all over the floor.*_

IRIS (cont'd): Who would do such a thing to a Pokemon? It's inhumane and cruel!

PIKACHU (from inside Iris's vagina): Pika…

JOY: That's what I'm here to find out. Do you have anything, babe?

JENNY: Not yet, honey.

_*The two lean in and share an elongated, but somewhat pained, kiss. Ash smiles at the two and nods his head slowly in wonder.*_

ASH: Wow, a pair of lesbians!

POKEDEX: Now that's what I'm talking about, home boy.

ASH: Give me some.

_*Ash extends his fist and bumps it with the large black fist that protrudes from the Pokedex screen. Iris notices and remembers it for later use.*_

IRIS: Making such a big deal about a pair of Ellen's, such a kid.

ASH: I've just never met any before…well, Misty told me she experimented with her sisters sometimes, but I dunno…it just doesn't seem right.

JENNY: You're sure judgemental for somebody who fucks Pokemon.

ASH (angry): What do I have to do to prove I'm not a Poke-fucker?

JOY: How about you help us solve who is behind the Pidove cull and cook?

JENNY: Yes…then we'll know that you care about Pokemon, and not just their juices.

ASH: It's a deal!

_*The scene changes from the police station to the forest, where Jenny and Joy are leading the two through the woods. Ash leans in close to Iris and whispers into her ear.*_

ASH: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

IRIS (looking at Joy): Hmm…two beers, maybe three for both. You?

ASH (shaking head): No…I mean if we don't help find out who keeps killing the Pidove, I'm in real trouble.

IRIS: Ugh…do you have to keep going with the non-stop exposition? Such a kid!

ASH: What do you mean?

IRIS: You don't need to keep reminding me or the audience that you need to solve the Pidove crisis…or that you love Pikachu…or that you want to be a Pokemon master. It's OK, we haven't forgotten overnight! So stop reminding us every episode!

ASH (annoyed): It's important, that's all.

JOY: Shh!

_*Ash and Iris look up to see that Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy have found a dead Pidove on the ground. There are deep scratch marks in its side and a bite has been taken out of it.*_

IRIS: Oh, no!

ASH: That shit is nasty.

JENNY: They are close.

_*Officer Jenny takes out a gun and waves it around.*_

ASH (shocked): Holy shit! You have a gun?

JENNY: I'm a Police officer, you jag. Or do you think they only give it to the men…

ASH: No, I…

JOY: …like your Mum does.

JENNY: Boom.

_*Joy and Jenny clash fists. A small explosion rocks the ground beneath their feet. Joy and Jenny are the first to react, turning around to the other two.*_

JENNY: Stay here! We'll check it out!

ASH: We can help!

JOY: You can help by keeping your Ekans in the long grass, OK?

_*Jenny and Joy run through the bushes towards the sound; black smoke is now billowing over the trees.*_

IRIS (confused): What's an Ekans?

ASH (winking): Want me to show you? Give me your arm, it knows _Wrap_ already.

_*Just as Ash is about to finally make the move with Iris, a twig snaps in the bushes behind them. They turn around with shock to see Team Rocket slowly making their way away from the scene.*_

JAMES: Oops.

JESSIE: For fuck sakes, James. No wonder we're so shit at our jobs.

ASH: It's _Team Rocket_!

MEOWTH: Quick, costumes!

_*Meowth throws down a smoke ball and the three disappear. As the smoke dissipates, the three are standing there with small beards attached to their faces. Ash looks around in bemusement.*_

ASH: Where did they go?

_*Ash continues to look around as Iris scratches her snatch with one hand and Axew with the other. The voiceover takes us to the end of the episode as Team Rocket stand grinning from ear to ear.*_

VOICEOVER: Now that he is out of prison, will Ash be able to keep his Ekans out of the Unova Pokemon? Will Team Rocket be able to hide behind their elaborate beards forever? Why is Pikachu still stuck firmly between Iris's flaps? Will we get a Jenny and Joy love-making scene? And does anybody really care about the damn Pidoves? All these questions, and more, will be answered as the series continues!

_NEXT EPISODE: Iris uses _Snatch_, and it is super effective!_


	5. Part Five: Practicing for Nationals!

**PART FIVE: PRACTING FOR NATIONALS!**

_*The story continues with Ash and Iris looking on as Team Rocket, cleverly disguised in small fake beards, stand with their red R's emblazoned proudly on their white shirts.*_

ASH: Team Rocket were here a second ago…right where those three are standing…

IRIS: Ugh…_they_ are Team Rocket! Such a kid…

MEOWTH: Ah, the hell with it.

_*Team Rocket tear off their beards and throw them to the ground.*_

ASH: Shit, its mother-fucking Team Rocket!

IRIS: Oh, brother…

ASH: What did you guys do with the bearded people?

JAMES: And a one, a two, a one, two, three…

_*Jessie and James begin jumping around aimlessly, pulling out flowers and whatnot from nowhere and throwing them around as if choreographed.*_

JESSIE: _What a stupid question, are you slow in the head?_

JAMES: _Yo best cover yo self or you'll be deader than dead!_

JESSIE: _Keeping our jobs for some unknown reason…_

JAMES: _If we get fired we'll be out on our asses and freezin'!_

_*Meowth looks as though he is going to chime in, but stops.*_

MEOWTH: I thought we'd given up on rhyme scheme.

JESSIE: What do you mean?

MEOWTH: Didn't we all agree we spent too much time practicing our, frankly, unnecessary introduction in the Kanto region? If we'd spent more time battling, maybe we wouldn't have blasted off every week?

JAMES (whining): But I like our dancing! It's…fabulous!

JESSIE: Stick to the script, cat…or no scratch behind the balls tonight.

MEOWTH: But…

JESSIE (yelling): I said _stick to the fucking script_!

MEOWTH (sighing): Fine…

_*Meowth gets back into position, a gleam in his eye.*_

MEOWTH (cont'd): _Never changed our Pokemon from Arbok and Weezing!_

JESSIE: _The femdom lover, Jessie._

JAMES: _Repressing my obvious bi-curiosity, James._

MEOWTH: _And I'm in this team as well, also!_

ALL: _And we now gather, under the name of Team Rocket!_

_*The three throw their arms up in dramatic poses, and hold it for effect.*_

IRIS: Well, that was kind of…

JESSIE: Shh!

_*The three continue their poses, before Jessie breathes out and releases; the other two follow with smiles on their faces.*_

JESSIE (cont'd): OK…very good! James; loved your vocal work…

JAMES: Oh, thank you!

JESSIE: Meowth, your dismount was sloppy. Work on that landing, and we'll really stick it to them at Nationals next year!

MEOWTH: Right.

JESSIE: I swear, if fucking Rachel Berry nails another one of her fucking solos right before I perform…

ASH (yelling): Why have you been roasting all the Pidove?

JESSIE: Huh?

JAMES: We don't eat Pidove! Too many calories!

MEOWTH: Besides, what good would cooking Pidove do for the boss?

ASH: What good would stealing one single and unevolved Pikachu do for the boss?

JESSIE (shrugging): Make him love me…oh, daddy…I miss you. Why won't you come home…why won't you love me?

JAMES: Time to show this twerp who is boss!

JESSIE (wiping tears): Of course! Woobat, I choose you!

_*Jessie throws her Pokeball out and out pops a Woobat, a bat Pokemon that looks like a ball of fuzz for some reason.*_

WOOBAT: Wu!

ASH: Wow, a Woobat!

_*Ash points his Pokedex at the bat, which conveniently stays still.*_

POKEDEX: Woobat, the Bat Pokemon. Clearly, the creators of the new generation felt they needed another bat Pokemon to dominate the cave areas and piss everybody off by appearing relentlessly. When they needed a name, they thought to themselves…what is the laziest way to come up with a new name…I know! What rhymes with Zubat? Fuckers.

ASH: That's awesome!

MEOWTH: Get him, Jessie! Kill that Pika…hey, wait. Where's Pikachu?

IRIS (blushing): Oh, sorry! Pikachu can't come to the phone right now…he's in my filthy snatch!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika, Pika!

_*Jessie and James reel at this news…Pikachu, trapped, in a place it can not escape from? Hmm…*_

JESSIE (whispering): Do you think…

JAMES (whispering): This changes the game dramatically!

MEOWTH: Time for a hasty retreat!

_*Meowth ducks onto the ground and grabs the beards, throwing them to Jessie and James. In a flash, Woobat hath returned, and the bearded people are back.*_

ASH: Aw, man! They're gone again!

IRIS: Oh, lord…such a kid.

_*At that moment, Joy and Jenny run back into the clearing, puffing hard. A discovery…or hot lesbian sex, perhaps?*_

ASH: Hey, what did you find?

JENNY: Oh, it was nothing…

JOY: One of Trip's meth labs exploded…he was gone before we could catch him.

JENNY: Oh, Trip…he so crazy.

_*Jenny looks at the bearded Team Rocket.*_

JENNY (cont'd): Who are these three?

IRIS: They are Team Rocket!

ASH: A group of evil doers dedicated to stealing Pokemon!

JESSIE: And winning Nationals…so I hear, anyway.

JENNY: Don't be stupid, tanned one…Team Rocket don't have beards.

JAMES: Ho, ho! Good day to you, Officer!

JENNY: And to you, sir!

_*Just as Jenny looks like she is going to leave, James' beard falls to the ground.*_

JOY: Oh no, your beard fell off!

JENNY: Oh, shit! With your beard now fallen off, I can now see you are Team Rocket!

_*Jessie resumes her dancing position, a gleam in her eye.*_

JESSIE: _What a stupid question, are you slow in the head?_

MEOWTH: Shit, let's just go!

_*Meowth throws down a smoke bomb and the clearing is enveloped in thick smog. When it clears, Team Rocket is up in the air in jet packs, flying around like nobodies business.*_

JAMES (crazily): Yeah! Mother-fucking jet-packs, bitches! How you like me now, huh? How you like me now!

JESSIE: James…that isn't how we do things.

JAMES (sad): P…Punish me? With chains?

JESSIE: No.

_*The three fly away into the distance, and Jenny throws her hat onto the ground in frustration.*_

JENNY: Shit! They got away! Now those useless bird Pokemon are dead!

_*Joy rushes up and cradle's her lover while Ash looks on, rubbing his 'sore' groin.*_

JOY: Relax, baby…let's go and have a nice bath.

JENNY: But what about the Snivy rapist?

JOY (shrugging): The story seems popular, so it'd be best to ignore that plot hole and just let him continue on his journey.

JENNY (laughing): You're right…fare ye well, Ash! Good luck on your journey!

ASH: Thanks, Officer! Good luck gaining equality in the work place.

_*Ash and Iris wave happily as Joy hops onto the back of Jenny's bike, putting her hands in the back of her pants. The two drive away back towards town, and Ash turns to Iris with a determined look on his face.*_

ASH (cont'd): Wow, a full exoneration! Now all I have to worry about is winning all the badges in the Unova league, becoming a Pokemon master, getting Pikachu out of your hairy Clamperl and finally getting laid!

IRIS (laughing): You're a virgin? Ha! Such a kid!

ASH: Stop repeating the same line…it's lazy writing.

THORNEY33: Fuck you, Ash!

IRIS: Who was that?

ASH: Maybe it's the voice-over guy.

IRIS: The _who_?

ASH: Just some voice I hear in my head to finish off my days. Helps me sleep at night.

IRIS: Is it the soothing voice of a woman?

ASH: A middle aged man, most of the time.

IRIS: The voices in your head are all men? Alright…gay!

ASH (turning to camera): Take it away, creepy man!

VOICE-OVER: Thanks, Ash! A free man at last, Ash finally has the chance to go through the forest and onto the gym battles that are standing in his path! What will Team Rocket do to get Pikachu out of Iris's snatch and into Jessie's? Why are there so many names starting with J in this show? Will Team Rocket win at Nationals, or will the New Directions win once again? All this and more answered in the next exciting adventure!

_NEXT EPISODE: GTFO Oshawott, nobody likes you!_


	6. Part Six: RichWott, OshaWott!

**PART SIX: RICH-WOTT? OSHA-WOTT!**

_*The story continues with Ash and Iris walking through the forest together, an awkward silence filling the air with obvious, and perhaps sexual, tension. He is looking at a map and humming thoughtfully.*_

ASH: So we take this forest to Striaton City, and the first gym is there!

IRIS: Well, I could have told you that…such a kid.

ASH: But how am I going to win Gym battles if I don't have Pikachu available?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika, Pika…

IRIS: Couldn't Pikachu just shoot Thunderbolt out of my snatch? I point, he shoots…I'm a pretty good aim with a few beers into me!

ASH: Pretty good aim? What do you mean?

IRIS: Oh, you didn't see my viral video? _One Night in Iris_? Such a kid!

ASH: I'd love to find out for myself sometime.

_*Ash's thoughts are interrupted as a bush begins to shake to the left of the path.*_

ASH (cont'd): Shit, what's that?

IRIS: Considering we live in the Pokemon universe, I'm going to say it's a Pokemon.

ASH: Oh, right.

_*The bush explodes as a Pokemon, OSHAWOTT, bursts out of the bushes and lands on its feet with a stupid grin all over its face.*_

OSHAWOTT: Osha!

ASH: Wow…an Oshawott!

_*Ash takes out his Pokedex and points it to the conveniently still Pokemon.*_

POKEDEX: Oshawott, the Sea Otter Pokemon…you know, as opposed to the Land Otter. Like with most Water-types, Oshawott shoots water out of its mouth, although it has never been discovered where this water is stored given the small size of the Pokemon's body. It also has a shell, which it uses to throw, and magically repel electric attacks. Da fuq, right?

ASH: Da fuq indeed.

_*Ash takes out a Pokeball and smiles at Oshawott.*_

ASH (cont'd): But I'm going to catch it anyway!

IRIS: Ash! You already have an Oshawott!

ASH: Logic be damned, woman!

IRIS: But…

ASH (interrupting): …sex!

_*Ash laughs as he throws the Pokeball at the Oshawott. However, instead of capturing the Pokemon, it merely bounces off.*_

ASH (cont'd): What the hell? Why didn't it work?

IRIS: You probably didn't hurt it enough…this is pretty simple stuff you should have learned in Season One.

ASH: Fine…Oshawott, I choose you!

_*Ash selects one of his Pokeballs and throws it out. However, when it hits the ground no Oshawott comes out.*_

ASH (cont'd): My faulty balls!

IRIS: Ash…don't you get it?

ASH: Get what?

IRIS: Such a kid! That is your Oshawott!

ASH: Huh?

_*Ash looks at Oshawott, which nods with a large smile.*_

ASH (cont'd): Oshawott, what are you doing out of your Pokeball?

OSHAWOTT: Osha!

ASH: I don't speak freaky-deaky dutch, OK?

OSHAWOTT: Osha!

ASH: Pikachu, what is he saying?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

ASH (angry): Does it sound like he's saying Pika? Ugh…you depress me.

IRIS: Maybe your ball is faulty?

ASH: How can I fix it if it is?

IRIS: I don't know…my Dad had a vasectomy to fix his. Said if he didn't get his Pokeballs looked at then he'd run the risk of having more purple haired fucks with his sister.

ASH: What's a vasectomy?

IRIS: Something to do with a Snivy using Leaf Blade on something…I didn't catch the details.

_*Ash picks up the Pokeballs and holds one out.*_

ASH: Maybe I can get one too! Oshawott, return!

_*Ash presses the button, and Oshawott returns to the Pokeball sadly. Ash looks at the ball, concerned.*_

IRIS: What's wrong, Ash? Oshawott is back in the ball and we're all back to _normal_!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika?

ASH: I'm just worried…what if Oshawott keeps escaping from his ball and doesn't come back one day?

IRIS: I never thought of that…it can't be comfortable in one of those balls, they are tiny.

ASH: I don't think it works like that…they turn into some funny red light in there.

IRIS: What you really need is a way to label Oshawott so if it does run away, somebody will be able to find it and return it to you…

_*Ash looks thoughtful, then snaps his fingers in glee.*_

ASH: That's it! Iris, you are a genius!

IRIS: You're not just saying that to follow Pikachu into my pants, are you?

ASH: …yes.

_*Ash adjusts his cap; always a sign some bad-assery is about to go down. He yells out instructions with a look of determination in his eyes.*_

ASH: Pikachu, use Iron Tail and stick it out of Iris's dirty snatch! Tepig, you come out and help too!

_*Ash throws one of his Pokeballs and out pops Tepig. At the same time, Iris moans in pleasure as the metallic shine of Pikachu's Iron Tail pokes out of her vagina.*_

IRIS: Oh...Pikachu…oh…sheet…

PIKACHU (echoing): Pikachu!

TEPIG: Snort! Bacon!

ASH: Use Ember on the Iron Tail, pig!

TEPIG: …Pork!

_*Tepig sneezes flames onto the Iron Tail, which quickly begins to heat up. Iris moans in even more pleasure as the heat from the flames stimulates her further.*_

IRIS: …oh my God…oh…

ASH: Enough, Tepig! Oshawott, it's time for your branding!

_*Ash throws Oshawott's ball, and he appears right next to the hot Iron Tail. He looks scared straight away.*_

OSHAWOTT: Osha? Oshawott!

ASH: Come here, you sneaky son of a bitch…

_*Ash grabs Oshawott, and slams him against the Iron Tail. The sizzle of burning flesh can be heard as the Iron Tail brands him on the backside.*_

OSHAWOTT (crying): Oshawott!

ASH: This will teach you to only leave the Pokeball when I tell you to! You are my Pokemon, bitch!

IRIS (lighting a cigarette; sweating): I've never seen you so dominant before, Ash…I'm impressed.

_*Ash grins at Iris as he lets go of Oshawott, who falls to the ground with a dark branding of Pikachu's tail on his backside. On it, an insignia has been burned in.*_

IRIS (reading): If found, please return to Ash Ketchum, licensed Pokemon trainer and professional bad ass.

ASH: Fuck yeah.

_*Ash and Iris high five as Oshawott slips into unconsciousness on the ground.*_

VOICE-OVER: Now that Ash has branded Oshawott, he will no longer need to worry about him disobeying any more! But will the Animal Rights groups in the Unova Region have anything to say about this torture? Will Iris's growing love for Pikachu and Tepig's stimulating moves help Ash get into her pants? What plot are Team Rocket planning? All this and more will be revealed in the exciting coming episodes!


	7. Part Seven: The Village of Pagan Rituals

**PART SEVEN: THE VILLAGE OF PAGAN RITUALS**

_*The story continues with Ash and Iris sitting around a camp-fire at night in the forest. There is an audible growl as Ash's stomach rumbles, and he holds it in annoyance.*_

ASH: Oh, man…I hope we get to Striaton City soon, I'm so hungry.

IRIS: Me too. The last time I went this long without food was when I wanted to become a supermodel.

ASH: Wow, you wanted to be a model? What happened?

IRIS: Oh…I don't like to talk about it.

_*Iris looks away sniffling, and Ash takes the chance to shuffle closer to her and put his arm around her.*_

ASH: Hey…whatever it is, you can tell me. If we can deal with my Pikachu being up your watering hole, we can handle talking about this!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika, Pika…

IRIS: It's nothing; really…I guess there was just a lot of pressure, coming from the Village of Dragons…

ASH: Wow, you come from the Village of Dragons?

IRIS: Yeah…I remember it like it was yesterday…

_*The screen flashes to show the Village of Dragons at night; a large fire in the middle of the small town, fields stretching in all directions. Small dragon Pokemon are everywhere, some flying in the air, many others like Axew walking around with no worries in the world.*_

IRIS (cont'd): The fresh air, the open fields, the long grass…it was the most beautiful place in the world.

ASH: It sounds amazing.

IRIS: It was…I was born and bred there…my Mom told me I was conceived during one of the Paganistic rituals in the Village…

_*The screen changes to show a large orgy taking place in the Village underneath the statue of a large dragon Pokemon. One man, emblazoned with many tattoos and a large feathery headband covering his purple hair, is making love to dozens of women at once. One, presumably Iris' mother, is underneath most of the women, groaning in delight.*_

IRIS (cont'd): …out of the ten eggs fertilized that night, I was the only one not sacrificed at the altar of Dragons the next morning. So when I was born, full head of purple hair like the tribe leader, I was allowed to live.

ASH: So your Dad was the tribe leader?

IRIS: Either he is or it was the 1989 Denver Broncos. My Mom drinks a lot…but it's why I'm trying to become a Dragon Master.

ASH: You shouldn't be forced to do something you don't want to, Iris.

_*Ash begins to slide his hand up Iris' top, but she pulls away with a frown.*_

IRIS: No, I shouldn't.

_*Ash takes the hint and awkwardly drags his hand away from Pikachu's new home.*_

IRIS (cont'd): I just thought becoming a Dragon Master would connect us…I snuck into a few of the rituals when I was growing up, but he'd find me in between the throbbing mass of whores and throw me out before I had the chance to spend some quality time with him.

ASH: Look…Iris; I don't even know who my father is.

IRIS: Really?

ASH: Sure! It's never even been mentioned in the Anime! Plus, my Mom is a dirty slut just like yours…we have more in common than you realise.

IRIS (teary): We do?

ASH: Sure! And we both want to become Pokemon masters as well! When we make it to Striaton City, we'll be one step closer as well!

AXEW: Axew!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

_*Iris wipes her tears away and smiles. Maybe she can get over her daddy issues? She looks over sadly at the campfire, which has gone out.*_

IRIS: Thanks; Ash…but no amount of talking can keep me warm tonight.

ASH: I can help with that too…

_*Ash moves his hand towards his belt, and Iris moves back with fright.*_

IRIS: No! I don't want to end up like Trip's Snivy!

ASH (shocked): You don't understand; I meant we could get help from Tepig!

_*Ash rolls one of his Pokeballs out and Tepig pops out.*_

TEPIG: Tepig!

ASH: Tepig, do you think you can keep the fire going through the night to keep Iris warm?

TEPIG: Sausages!

_*Tepig used Ember on the fire, which is blazing again in seconds. From across the fire, Iris' and Ash's eyes meet and linger for a second. Are there feelings developing between the two?*_

IRIS: Thanks, Ash! Thanks, Tepig!

ASH: Good night, Iris! Tomorrow, I have my first Gym battle!

IRIS: And I reinforce stereotypical gender roles by watching passively from the stands!

_*Ash smiles and rolls over onto the ground to sleep. In the bushes, somebody rustles through the leaves and stares at the two sleeping trainers; and Tepig, straining hard near the fire to keep it going. The person rubs their hands together and slowly retreats into the darkness…a flash of green the only evidence they had been there at all.*_

VOICE-OVER: Wow…a semi-serious chapter…da fuq? Is this a sign of growing maturity in thorney33? Or is it more likely that what was written here will lead to more crazy and fucked up plot lines in the coming episodes? Who was that peering at two sleeping children from the bushes? Will Ash be successful in his first Gym battle? All these questions and more will be answered in the upcoming episodes!

_NEXT EPISODE – Meet Cilan…the hot breakfast connoisseur!_


	8. Part Eight: Eggs and Bacon

**PART EIGHT: EGGS AND BACON**

_*The story continues with Ash waking up at the campsite. He crawls over to the sleeping Iris and peers up her skirt to her dripping snatch with a frown upon his face.*_

ASH: How are you going, Pikachu? Still alive in there?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika…

ASH: I know…I miss you too, buddy. I promise I'm going to get you out of there soon…you lucky son of a bitch…

PIKACHU: Pika…

IRIS: Are you OK down there?

_*Ash looks up to see Iris staring down at him, now wide awake.*_

ASH: Oh…sorry, Iris. Just talking to Pikachu.

IRIS: Sure, sure.

_*Iris stands up and stretches, with Ash taking the chance to tuck his morning glory between his legs. Iris looks around the campsite in concern.*_

IRIS (cont'd): Hey, Ash…where's Tepig?

ASH: Who?

IRIS: Tepig! He was still up last night keeping the fire going, wasn't he?

ASH: Oh, yeah…

_*Ash also jumps to his feet, and begins to look around the camp site. Tepig is nowhere to be seen.*_

ASH (cont'd): Tepig…you there, _pig_?

_*From behind the bushes, an Officer Jenny jumps out with enthusiasm.*_

JENNY: Here!

ASH: Not you, slut!

_*With a frown, Jenny backs back into the bushes.*_

IRIS (yelling): Tepig?

ASH: This is crazy…I had this very dream last night.

IRIS: Somebody stealing your Tepig?

ASH: Kind of…replace stealing with penetrating, and replace Tepig with…

_*Iris begins to sniff the air.*_

IRIS: Hey…do you smell that?

ASH: Yeah, sorry.

IRIS: No, not that! It smells like…breakfast!

_*Before Ash can react, Iris jumps up and grabs a loose vine. She begins to swing down the path quickly from tree to tree towards the source of the smell.*_

ASH (yelling): Da fuq? You swing on vines?

IRIS (yelling): Well, duh! Didn't you realise I am half black?

ASH: Ooh…that's a little rough.

IRIS (rolling eyes): Oh, yeah…_that _is where we've gone over the line. Come on!

_*Ash bounds down the path after Iris. As they turn around a corner, they gasp at the sight. There is a well-dressed green-haired man, CILAN, standing in front of a large white table, sizzling up a hearty breakfast in a large frying pan. Iris drops down in front of him, turned on by the smells.*_

IRIS: Wow…look at that food!

CILAN: Why, what do we have here?

IRIS: Oh…hi! I'm Iris!

ASH: And I'm Ash…

CILAN: How nice to meet you! I'm Cilan!

_*Ash leans into Iris.*_

ASH (whispering): He's a bit…fruity, don't you think?

IRIS (blushing): I don't know…he's actually quite cute.

ASH (whispering): You've got to be kidding me.

CILAN: Why…what an amazing aroma!

_*Cilan runs over to the two and begins to sniff up and down their bodies as the two look on with bemusement.*_

CILAN (cont'd): Hmm…the scent of young flesh…with a dash of innocence and virginity…

IRIS (under her breath): Such a kid…

CILAN: …but an underlying tone of determination and strength! Can I smell your shorts?

ASH: No.

CILAN: And you, sweet lady…you smell like a summer night's dream…the blooming rose and delightful aroma of a rain soaked poppy field…oh…

_*Cilan bends over and sniffs Iris's panties.*_

CILAN (cont'd): …is that…the scent of a slightly damp Pikachu?

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

IRIS: You are good! Yes, he's up my snatch…and there is some humidity in there this morning, I checked the forecast.

AXEW (jealous): Axew…

_*Cilan turns around dramatically, putting his hand onto his chin thoughtfully.*_

CILAN: Hmm…I've never seen a Pikachu in the live before…I'd sure like to eat one…

ASH: Don't you mean to meet one?

CILAN: Oh…of course! Ha-ha! Silly me.

_*Cilan indicates towards the cooking breakfast.*_

CILAN (cont'd): Won't you stay for breakfast?

IRIS: Oh…we don't want to intrude…

CILAN: It's no intrusion whatsoever! I have cooked far too much to eat, I was merely planning on dousing myself with the leftover oil and running around with my pants off!

ASH: Then we're in!

_*A few minutes later, Ash and Iris are seated around the table wolfing down the food with glee. Cilan smiles as he watches over the two with an odd pleasure.*_

ASH (cont'd): Wow…this is amazing, Cilan!

IRIS: Yeah! I haven't had so much meat in my mouth in such a long time!

CILAN: Why, I'm glad to hear it! Eat as much as you like!

ASH: I plan on it!

CILAN: So where are you two heading anyway?

ASH: I'm heading to Striaton City to challenge the gym and continue on with my…

IRIS: …yeah, yeah…journey, we get it.

CILAN: Why, I am from Striaton City myself! Please, allow me the pleasure of accompanying you along the way!

ASH: Well…as long as you keep cooking for us, I'm more than happy for it!

CILAN (yelling): Why should I cook for you? I'm not your fucking slave!

_*Cilan looks embarrassed by the outburst.*_

CILAN (cont'd): I'm sorry…

ASH: It's OK! What with this lovely breakfast, I can't even remember what we were looking for in the first place!

IRIS: …some kind of Pokemon?

CILAN: Nothing is more important than a hearty breakfast!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

ASH: What do you call this, anyway?

CILAN: Eggs and bacon; as fresh as a daisy!

VOICE-OVER: So, today we farewell Tepig…we barely knew ya. At least his death wasn't in vain, but rather in veins; slowly clogging Ash's arteries and sending him to an early death with the trans-fats involved with bacon. Eat healthy, kids! Anyway, getting back on track; will Iris's attraction to Cilan cock-block Ash forever? Who will Ash catch to replace Tepig? And will Ash be successful in his first Unova Gym battle? Tune in next time to find out!

_Next Episode: Battling the Striaton Gym!_


	9. Part Nine: The Macho Sadistic Gym!

**PART NINE: THE MACHO SADISTIC GYM!**

_*The story continues with Ash, Iris and Cilan walking to the edge of the forest and peering over a ridge to spot buildings in the distance.*_

ASH: Wow, Striaton City!

CILAN: Aah, the sweet smell of freshly mown grass, innocence, and a hint of dried Pidove poo…I truly am home again!

IRIS: You're from Striaton, Cilan?

CILAN: Why, of course! Didn't I mention it at breakfast?

IRIS: I guess I was too busy filling myself with hot pork to notice!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika, Pika!

_*Ash curls his hand into a fist and stares at the camera to let the viewers know he is determined; more than normal.*_

ASH: In that case, you can show me where the Gym is so I can get my first Unova league badge!

CILAN: Why, it would be my pleasure! It's right over there!

ASH: Huh? Where?

CILAN: On the next line of dialogue, Ash!

_*The trio are suddenly teleported to a white building with large windows on the side. Ash looks on as several bulky men with moustaches continue their work outs while looking at the young boy with arousal.*_

ASH (confused): What is this?

CILAN: Can't you smell the glorious aroma of testosterone mixed with the sweat of fifty well built men with a delightful undertone of hidden sexual desires?

IRIS (grinning): I can!

CILAN: That's because this is the Striaton City gym!

ASH: How the hell am I meant to have a battle in there!

CILAN: A battle?

ASH: I want to battle the Pokemon Gym in Striaton!

CILAN: Oh…well, that is even easier for me to find!

IRIS: Why is that, Cilan?

CILAN: Well, Iris…I am one of three Gym leaders here at the Striaton Gym!

ASH: Wow…and you never thought to mention this before now?

CILAN: Why would I?

ASH: Because it seems kind of relevant to the story, that's all…

CILAN (high-pitched): Hmm…does it, though?

ASH: Yes…it does.

IRIS: Will you two stop bickering! Such kids! Can you take us there now?

CILAN: As swiftly as maple syrup flowing gently down the side of a stack of flapjacks!

_*Cilan clicks his fingers in glee. In an instant, the three find themselves standing in front of the official Striaton City gym; big red doors staring Ash in the face.*_

CILAN: After you, Ash.

IRIS: After _me_, actually. Haven't you heard of chivalry?

ASH: And haven't you heard of feminism, bitch?

_*Ash waltzes in front of the pouting Iris and opens the door, walking in to find a few old men sitting around on seats awkwardly in a velvety room. He recognises one man and yells out to him in glee.*_

ASH (cont'd): Hey…Professor Oak!

OAK (sheepish): Oh…howdy, Ash! What are you doing here?

ASH: I'm about to win my first badge! What about you?

OAK: I…uh…

CHILI: Do we have a Mr. Oak? Mr. Oak? You are invited to join Mr. Cress in room…

_*A man walks out, flaming red hair and a mischievous grin over his face. He is Cilan's brother, Chili. He is dressed in leather and has multiple chains hanging off his skinny and pale body. There are two patches of skin showing on his backside where his pants should be, and he is holding a large whip.*_

CILAN (calling out): Chili!

CHILI: Oh, Cilan! Welcome back! How was your trip?

CILAN: Very good, thanks! I guess you could say I made quite the _pig_ of myself.

CHILI: Oh, that sounds…mighty _swine_.

CILAN: I'd say there isn't much _snout _about it!

CHILI: Always _hogging _the limelight, eh?

CILAN: Yes…I guess you could say I cooked and ate Ash's Tepig!

_*The two laugh at their witty and subtle puns as Ash clears his throat, tapping his feet impatiently against the ground.*_

CILAN (cont'd): Oh...Chili, this is Ash…a trainer from Kanto! And he wishes to challenge this gym to a battle!

CHILI: Do you, know?

_*Chili grins and runs to the side of the room, slamming a big red button. In an instant, a third brother has joined the two. Deep blue eyes and hair, Cress was the sophisticated one of the three. This was somewhat belied by the gag in his mouth and beads of sweat dripping down his mostly naked form.*_

CRESS (panting): What…is…it?

CHILI: Oak will have to wait…we have a challenger!

ASH (confused): Professor Oak? What will he have to wait for?

CILAN: I should explain…you see, Ash; this isn't only a gym, but it's our family business!

ASH: Family business!

CRESS: Of course! Our philosophies in Pokemon and real life are one and the same.

CHILI: We believe that the pain felt by Pokemon in battles become some sort of enjoyment for their trainers…so we seek to harness that pain into real life!

CILAN: The duality of trainer and Pokemon in complete harmony…look!

_*Cilan walks to a small booth and opens it to reveal a blonde girl named Bianca being tied down and ravished by a strong looking Sawk. She giggles as it takes off her green hat and begins to Karate Chop her backside.*_

BIANCA: Oh! Sawk, your muscles! Ravish me with your tender muscles!

SAWK: Sawk!

_*Cilan indicates towards a seat on the side of the booth, where an uncomfortable looking Mincino looks on at the macho sadistic act.*_

CILAN: Here, we allow Pokemon to enjoy the pleasure of witnessing the pain of their trainers!

CRESS: The combined pleasure both parties derive only serves to bring their bonds even closer than ever before!

BIANCA (screaming): Sawk!

_*Cilan closes the curtain and looks towards Ash with a grin.*_

CILAN: Enough about us, Ash…now it's your turn! Who would you like to battle?

ASH: Who?

CHILI: In this gym, you choose one of us to battle and one only. If you beat that brother, you win the Trio Badge!

ASH: But if I only have to battle one of you, shouldn't it be the Single Badge?

CHILI: Logic fail.

CRESS: So, Ash…who is it going to be? Me?

CILAN: Or, like a summer night's rain, me?

CHILI: Or me, bitch!

IRIS (yelling): Let me take you all!

_*Everybody looks at Iris, who blushes. A light sweat drips off her brow onto her pants, leading to a distinct sizzling sound.*_

IRIS (cont'd): Sorry.

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika…

ASH: I like your thinking, Iris! I'll take you all as well!

_*Chili unzips his pants with a sigh.*_

CHILI: Very well…

ASH: No, in a battle!

CILAN: All three of us…engaging in one battle?

CRESS: Why, we haven't been in one together since that thing Alder made us do to his Bouffalant all those years ago…

CHILI: You know what…we accept your challenge!

ASH: All right!

PIKACHU (echoing): Pika!

IRIS: Yes!

BIANCA (off-screen; screaming): Oh, fuck yes!

VOICE-OVER: So, Ash has finally made his way to the first gym, and the battle is imminent! Will he be successful in beating the three brothers and winning the Trio Badge? Or will he get bent over the table much like Bianca is by Sawk? Find out next time as the adventure continues!

_NEXT EPISODE: The battle!_


End file.
